does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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