just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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