I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
