All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Drunk is not a location!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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