This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
