my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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