There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
