Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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