Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
