I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
