I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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