Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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