OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
