I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
