i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
