i think i have two assholes
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
