I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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