i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
