My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
