There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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