Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
