I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
