She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
