stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
