I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
