Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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