just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
