i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
