you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
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I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
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And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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