You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Randomize
