i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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