you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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