I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
3pm strippers are depressing
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
