the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
