Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
