Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i drank out of a bidet.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
