The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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