Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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