I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
