FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
