either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
