This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
we're so committed to being not committed
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
