So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You made out with two different species that night
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
