god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
