I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
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I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
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Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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