Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
