I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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