So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
