why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
