someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
