I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize