this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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