actually, I'm a sock model
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
