this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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